Failing Better and Feeling Better
Lately, I’ve been having conversations with my supervisees about “failing better.”
After a particularly difficult week with a series of crises, a supervisee reached out to me to meet for additional supervision and mentorship. We met and talked about what’s been quickly evolving with the client they are currently working with, and I noticed that the supervisee was really struggling with feeling like they were failing the site because they are still new to the field and learning about their role. We had a conversation about how learners need opportunities to fail in a low-stakes environment rather than slowly burnout over time. Thus began our conversation about “failing better.”
The idea is that we all fail. Failure is a part of the developmental process, especially when learning to become a counselor and working with a wide range of people with a wide range of problems. And so often, the school system of work hard, learn the “right” answers, and earn good grades doesn’t translate to real life. In very few instances in life are there direct connections between the amount of work we put in and an immediate consequence with a clear indicator of how well we did.
I also often have the conversation with my perfectionistic supervisees (most of them, naturally) that they’ve been groomed into a broken system. In the school setting, success has a rather rigid formula with built-in, immediate feedback. However, in order to unlearn a broken system, we have to re-learn what success actually looks like in counseling. And, inevitably, that includes a lot of failure.
In counseling, success can look like many different things. It can look like helping a client maintain good habits without actually building any new ones or mitigating any current problems. It can look like helping a client sink into their feelings and really accept their position in life without making any efforts to “fix” the problem. Or, it can also look like teaching clients new coping skills for managing difficult situations (the stereotypical version of success). Success in counseling isn’t always “doing” something for or with the client and progress in counseling is more than just, “are symptoms improving?”
The key to understanding that these versions of success are equally as valid and important in counseling has been my own failures. I’ve sat in many counseling sessions with previous clients offering solution after solution while the client continued to glaze over and seem disinterested in my suggestions. I would often wonder why my client was so “unmotivated” but they continued to show up each week like clockwork. How could they be simultaneously so unmotivated, but so… motivated?
It wasn’t until I reflected on what I might be contributing to the problem that I realized I was the problem! Once I realized my own failure, I changed tactics with my client. Instead of continually offering suggestions and pushing the client towards a solution, I allowed the client to explore their feelings and sit with them even when it really didn’t feel comfy to do so. And (surprise!) I started to see more investment in the process with the client! Sure, there were times where I continued to fail the client and slipped back into an unhelpful strategy, but each time I did, I took it as an opportunity to learn what I could do differently. In essence, I learned to fail better.
As a supervisor, the important thing about having these conversations early and often is to emphasize to supervisees that mistakes happen and they’re not the end of the world. Additionally, it’s important for supervisees to know that I don’t expect perfection and I want to hear about the things that didn’t go well. When supervisees know that they can make mistakes and that they won’t be punished or shamed for them, they’re more likely to be honest with me and with themselves about where their skills really are and what they need help to improve on.
Furthermore, I want my supervisees to know, “I got your back, boo.” When things go wrong, I’ll be the first to help make it right, but also allow the supervisee the opportunity to learn from what could’ve been done differently. Sometimes failure really is the best teacher, but only when someone can help you process it and ensure that the same mistake doesn’t happen again.
When supervisees can’t be honest about their mistakes and self-evaluate, it reminds me of the Gestalt concept of a “phony.” One way I like to think about supervision is that I’m waiting for the supervisee to “show up” in their most authentic version of themselves so that we can do the hard work. Confronting supervisees about their inner “phony” doesn’t have to be harsh and abrasive (as seen in the infamous ‘Gloria’ and Fritz demonstration), but it is helpful to make it clear to supervisees that you need them to be motivated for the work which includes being willing to acknowledge where there’s room for improvement.
Supervisors know that supervision is a parallel process, so whatever is happening in the supervision session is also likely happening in the counseling session. This means that when supervision sessions are dragging and I feel like my supervisee and I are not accomplishing much or doing our best work, I’m keenly aware that the supervisee probably isn’t doing as much as they could be with their client, either (and not for lack of trying). This is where I like to challenge my supervisees to understand what may be causing the lull in our relationship.
So, in summary, I highly recommend “failing better” to those that haven’t tried. When you can embrace your goof-ups and acknowledge them for what they are, you’re more likely to learn more and do better. We all fail, but failure isn’t what defines us; it’s how we choose to move forward and grow from our mistakes that people will remember.
P.S. I’m happy to report that my supervisee is doing better, had an opportunity to re-evaluate their perspective as a learner, and has even committed to failing better. To my supervisee, I’m so glad to hear you’re failing better and feeling better.
Dr. Ashley Burks is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Counselor Educator who provides online and in-person counseling to Indiana residents. She is passionate about LGBTQ+ mental health, sexual mental and physical health, and first responder families‘ mental health. Dr. Burks is also passionate about providing high quality supervision to newly licensed clinicians with a combination of evidence-based academic training and real-world know-how in supervision.
