Sex & Intimacy

If I asked you to think about your sexuality, what would be the first thing that comes to mind? Maybe it’s not an actual thought but instead it’s a feeling. You might internally shrink back in horror, clutching your chest - “how dare someone, especially a woman, talk so openly about sex!” Maybe you felt your chest tighten with anxiety and you got that flash of heat across your face as you felt embarrassed. Or maybe you even felt a little bit…ashamed? 

But, why do you feel this way? Since when did sex become synonymous with bad things?

After the initial emotional reaction, were you able to come up with a clear sense of what sexuality really means to you? Maybe your only thought was sexual intercourse. Perhaps you thought about your physical features, or maybe you felt confused like you don't really know how to think about your own sexuality. 

What about connection, peace, pleasure, and trust? Can sex not be intimate, playful, and light-hearted, as well?

Purity Culture, Sex Negativity, & Sexual Shame

Oftentimes we feel so awkward, embarrassed, and downright fearful to talk about sexuality because someone or many someones have told us we shouldn’t - it’s off limits, taboo. We may have grown up with strict religious beliefs and teachings that promise hellfire and brimstone await us if we eat of the forbidden fruit. Yet, somehow a simple ceremony of publicly professing to love one man or one woman for the rest of time unlocks the vault to a promised, but long-denied pleasure. 

Not only does this culture set us up for deep disappointment on our wedding night if we make it to that point, but it often sets us up for failure and feelings of shame and guilt if we cannot uphold these teachings and expectations. What if we never marry our partner? What if our relationships don’t fit the mold of one man and one woman for life? Suddenly, something intended to be deeply pleasurable has become the yardstick by which our morality is measured and most of us will fail to measure up or feel that the pleasure promised to us was a lie. 

To make things more difficult, depending on your gender identity, sexual orientation, and combination of the two, society seems to have their expectations for what is permissible for you when it comes to sexuality. 

Positive Sexuality

Sexuality and with whom and how we choose to share it can be deeply personal and meaningful. Being sexual and expressing our sexuality requires us to be incredibly vulnerable in a world that does not encourage vulnerability. That’s why when we are harmed by others or rejected because of our sexuality, it seems to hurt more than some pretty painful things we experience in life (like stubbing your toe or stepping on a lego!). In essence, when we are rejected or dismissed on the topic of sex, the underlying message is “you’re too much,” “I don’t accept you,” or “I’m unwilling to share your vulnerability.” When these messages come from our loved ones or people we deeply trust, this betrayal and rejection seems to hurt the worst. 

However, beloved, I’m here to tell you that you are NOT too much, you can feel accepted, and there are people willing to share your vulnerability. It is time to step out of the darkness of shame, guilt, and despair created by purity culture and societal expectations. You can embrace your sexuality and your spirituality at the same time. You can experience deep connection and pleasure through your sexuality as an individual or with your partner(s). 

When we experience a positive relationship with our sexuality we can begin to inhabit our bodies, celebrate our bodies, and experience the pleasures of sexuality to the fullest. When we unshackle our minds and hearts from others' nonsensical rules and expectations, we become freed individuals able to live more authentic lives with ourselves and with others. By creating a positive relationship with your sexuality, you can more fully understand yourself, create deeper connections with your partner(s), and experience life with a fresh perspective. 

Sex Counseling

Helping you connect with your sexuality in a positive way and reclaiming your mind, body, and spirit is what sex counseling is all about. When you have a positive relationship with your own sexuality, you can then have more positive relationships with others. Sex counseling can be about problem-solving sexual issues, but isn't always exactly about the act of sex. In sex counseling we may talk about your beliefs and values, your sexual physical preferences, your gender identity, your sexual orientation, unresolved fears or negative emotions associated with sexuality, and many other things. 

When it comes to love and relationships, I believe that love is love, and I enjoy working with all varieties of relationship pairings, structures, and styles. If you and your partner(s) are struggling with sex and intimacy, I’d love to work with you. If you just want to explore your sexuality on your own, I’d love to work with you, too. Click the “Get Started” button below to take the next step in breaking the chains of shame that have held you back for far too long.