Building Self-Esteem: Self-Acceptance
“If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.”
In the second step of Building Self-Esteem, I talked about the concept of self-acceptance and how many of us get stuck on this step. Another way to think of self-acceptance is that it's kind of like self-love or maybe even self-confidence.
In a world where we're constantly being marketed to buy this, try that supplement, or use this exercise routine to look cooler, smarter, more muscular, more desirable, etc., it's no wonder we have a hard time accepting ourselves! Here's a few ways you can learn to love yourself and the many benefits that self-acceptance can have in your life.
How to Increase Self-Acceptance
Improving your self-acceptance is all about getting comfortable with yourself and all the magical things you have to offer the world. Specifically, you can increase self-acceptance by changing your mindset from one of comparison to one of growth, embracing your imperfections, and practicing self-compassion.
Let Go of the Comparison Mindset
How many of us have heard "go, go, go," "hustle," "rise and grind," or "if you're not first, you're last" as some kind of motivational phrase? These are all classic sayings in the comparison mindset where everything is a race or a competition, and you have to be number one in order to feel proud of yourself.
In this mindset, the only way to really see yourself is to determine how you stack up against everyone else. Some people enjoy the rush of a good competition, but... remember that old phrase, "comparison is the thief of joy?"
Well, it turns out that's actually true. Researchers who studied the effects of perfectionism, imposter feelings, and cognitive distortions on the mental health of medical students found that these tendencies had negative impacts on the students' wellbeing (Hu et al., 2019). Specifically, they discovered 3 key things:
students who were more perfectionistic or had higher imposter feelings also had higher feelings of shame or embarrassment and inadequacy,
students who had more feelings of shame or embarrassment and inadequacy were at a higher risk for moderate to severe depressive and anxiety symptoms, and
students who were low in perfectionistic or imposter feelings did not have high feelings of shame and inadequacy or show as many depressive and anxiety symptoms.
What this means is that there's good reason to believe that comparing ourselves to others and trying to put on a perfect appearance is actually bad for our mental health; it could lead to the development of depression and anxiety or worsen symptoms we may already have, and no one wants that! Generally, perfectionism and comparison just make us doubt ourselves and feel really crappy about ourselves.
If you're thinking, "well, that's great, but I'm not a student and I'm certainly no medical professional," I hear you. Similar findings were shown among adult and older adult populations, as well (Fry & Debats, 2009; Juwono et al., 2022). Fry and Debats (2009) actually found that perfectionism can lead to a higher risk of early death because perfectionism can impact physical wellbeing in addition to mental wellbeing. Specifically, pressure to meet social standards of perfection seems to be more harmful than internal pressures we may place on ourselves to act or look a certain way (Juwono et al., 2022).
Instead of worrying about what others may think of us, it's important to remind ourselves that we aren't perfect and that's okay! Instead, we should choose compassion when talking to ourselves or thinking about ourselves. This can really help us let go of the comparison mindset and move into the growth mindset.
Embrace a Growth Mindset
A growth mindset is all about understanding that mistakes happen, but this presents us with a learning opportunity and an opportunity for personal development. Instead of focusing on what we don't have and where we fall short, a growth mindset is firmly centered around what we can do to keep learning and improving for our own benefit (not to surpass someone else in social standing). From this perspective, we acknowledge that when mistakes happen it's not a reflection of our personal character or some internal quality; mistakes are just a part of life.
Research shows that a positive mindset can improve both our mental wellbeing and our physical wellbeing. For example, self-forgiveness has been shown to increase resilience (i.e., ability to withstand difficult situations) and can reduce thoughts of suicide (Cheavens et al., 2016). In other studies, optimism (i.e., having hope and a generally positive outlook on life) was a powerful force in shaping human experience. For example, optimism has a positive influence on mental health and life satisfaction among individuals with chronic illness (Lee et al., 2022). Optimism can also prevent physical deterioration and depression among aging adults, and it even positively influences how we build relationships with others as children (Oberle et al., 2018; Wurm & Benyamini, 2014).
All of this is to say that when we are gentler with ourselves, this creates conditions for better mental health, better bodily health, and better relationships with others - who doesn't want these things? Some concrete ways we can learn to live in a growth mindset is to give ourselves some grace by appreciating our imperfections and practicing self-compassion exercises.
Embrace Your Imperfections
One of the best things we can do for ourselves to step into the growth mindset is to let go of our hang-ups about how bad we look, how messed up our family is, how we ate too many sweets the night before, and more. Dwelling on the things we think we did wrong or that we think are wrong with us really doesn't get us anywhere (remember the comparison mindset?).
Instead, if we live in the growth mindset, we still acknowledge our imperfections but we think of them as features instead of defects. Now, to be clear, if we have unhealthy relationship patterns, harmful thinking or behaviors, etc., it's still our responsibility to own that and seek help for righting the things within our control. A healthy version of thinking of our imperfections as features might be something like remembering that those stretch marks or birthing scars are a reminder of how amazing the human body is in it's ability to bring new life into the world. Someone who was the primary caregiver for their younger siblings when they were still a child might be considered "headstrong," but this person could embrace their personality characteristics by remembering that this quality is what helped them care for their siblings when no one else was present to do so.
When paired with the growth mindset and self-compassion, embracing your imperfections is all about realizing that none of us is perfect, but that's okay. Rather than beat ourselves up over our mistakes or shortcomings, self-compassion allows us to give ourselves some grace and simply be who we are. From here, we can confidently continue in our own life's journey as we work towards being the best version of ourselves we can possibly be.
Practice Self-Compassion
The core element of the growth mindset is self-compassion; this is the vehicle through which we truly begin to put the growth mindset into action. Self-compassion is when we give ourselves a break and speak to ourselves with loving kindness instead of harsh words. A lot of times self-compassion is described as saying to yourself what you would say to a friend if they were going through your situation (as we are often a lot kinder and more understanding towards our friends).
The research shows that practicing self-compassion, even just a few minutes, during a stressful situation has several health benefits. Self-compassion has the power to reduce heart rate, aid in emotion regulation, increase physical health and health-promoting behaviors, and decrease symptoms of various mental disorders such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, disordered eating, autism, and more (Cai et al., 2023; Dunne et al., 2018; Kirschner et al., 2019).
In other words, self-compassion is powerful. It can literally change your body state and help you move towards healthier living, not just in the moment, but over the long-term, as well. Dr. Kristin Neff, the creator of and primary source for all things self-compassion related, has several great self-compassion exercises that are truly helpful and fairly brief. I highly recommend trying out a couple of these when you're feeling low (and even when you aren't!): https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/. My personal favorite is the General Self-Compassion Break which only takes 5 minutes to complete.
And there you have it! These are just a few more ways you increase your self-esteem and also learn self-acceptance in the process. Choose one of Dr. Neff's self-compassion exercises and give it a try! If it works, send it to a friend or coworker and see if it works for them, too.
More in this series:
Part Three: Self-Responsibility (coming soon)
Part Four: Self-Assertiveness (coming soon)
Part Five: Personal Integrity (coming soon)
Part Six: Live Purposefully (coming soon)
Sources:
Branden, N. (1995). Six pillars of self-esteem. Bantam.
Cai, R. Y., Gibbs, V., Love, A., Robinson, A., Fung, L., & Brown, L. (2023). “Self-compassion changed my life”: The self-compassion experiences of autistic and non-autistic adults and its relationship with mental health and psychological wellbeing. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 53(3), 1066-1081.
Cheavens, J. S., Cukrowicz, K. C., Hansen, R., & Mitchell, S. M. (2016). Incorporating resilience factors into the interpersonal theory of suicide: The role of hope and self‐forgiveness in an older adult sample. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 72(1), 58-69.
Dunne, S., Sheffield, D., & Chilcot, J. (2018). Brief report: Self-compassion, physical health and the mediating role of health-promoting behaviours. Journal of Health Psychology, 23(7), 993-999.
Fry, P. S., & Debats, D. L. (2009). Perfectionism and the five-factor personality traits as predictors of mortality in older adults. Journal of Health Psychology. 14(4), 513-524. https://doi.org/10.1177/1359105309103571
hooks, b. (2018). all about love. William Morrow Paperbacks.
Hu, K.S., Chibnall, J.T. & Slavin, S.J. (2019). Maladaptive perfectionism, impostorism, and cognitive distortions: Threats to the mental health of pre-clinical medical students. Academic Psychiatry 43, 381–385. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40596-019-01031-z
Juwono, I.D., Kun, B., Demetrovics, Z. et al. (2022). Healthy and unhealthy dimensions of perfectionism: Perfectionism and mental health in Hungarian adults. International Journal of Mental Health Addiction. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11469-022-00771-8
Kirschner, H., Kuyken, W., Wright, K., Roberts, H., Brejcha, C., & Karl, A. (2019). Soothing your heart and feeling connected: A new experimental paradigm to study the benefits of self-compassion. Clinical Psychological Science, 7(3), 545-565.
Lee, B., Reyes, A., Rumrill, S., & Bishop, M. (2022). The intermediary role of optimism and mental health in the relationship between disability-related stress and life satisfaction: A serial mediation model. Rehabilitation Counseling Bulletin, 00343552221080434.
Oberle, E., Guhn, M., Gadermann, A. M., Thomson, K., & Schonert-Reichl, K. A. (2018). Positive mental health and supportive school environments: A population-level longitudinal study of dispositional optimism and school relationships in early adolescence. Social Science & Medicine, 214, 154-161.
Wurm, S., & Benyamini, Y. (2014). Optimism buffers the detrimental effect of negative self-perceptions of ageing on physical and mental health. Psychology & Health, 29(7), 832-848.
Dr. Ashley Burks is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Counselor Educator who provides online and in-person counseling to Indiana residents. She is passionate about LGBTQ+ mental health, sexual mental and physical health, and first responder families‘ mental health. Ashley’s approach is all about promoting wellness through simplicity, building connection, and down-to-earth solutions from a trauma-informed lens.
